But Febuary 5th marks two years since I lost my first child. 
I’ll never forget how horrible it is to go though such things…
I was a wreck for so long and it took me forever just to gather myself again.

You would have been a year old today…. I can imagine your precious little face smiling as you take your first steps as I awe your milestone.
You would probably have spoken your first words… I wonder what they would have been….. You probably would have had piercing blue eyes, beautiful cream skin, and a fascination for the world that envelopes you…

I can imagine the late night snuggles, your late night cries, me spending hours fighting sleep just to make sure your cries were soothed and your hunger was at bay. I’d have already gone through motherhood enough to know what your future brother needed and you would have been so thrilled to see someone smaller then you in a month. I’d probably have gray hair from the stresses you put on me, but I would have embraced those hairs like battle scars…

My dear precious child, I wish you were here. I wish things didn’t go as they did…. I was ready to love you and I know you would have loved going through this life journey with me. I’ll light some candles in your name and hug you though you aren’t here…. 

People still say it isn’t my fault, but sometimes I feel like I messed up some how though I don’t know how…

I still think of you, cry for you, wonder what you would have looked like, what color hair you might have, the feeling of your skin, how tall you would have been, your favorite belongings, what shows you loved, your favorite food, and so on….. 

RIP my little one. Thank you for the experience you gave me though it was so short. <3 

Who lost their babies.
I lost my first at 12 weeks and I never have forgotten.

I know how it is to see other pregnant women and just feel so overwhelmed with sadness and sometimes jealousy. It’s like a kick in the face every day. Each and everyone of you who have gone through this, I have the up-most respect for you. It’s one of the roughest things you can go through physically and emotionally. You are all incredible women for getting through this and having the strength to carry on from day to day. It doesn’t matter how you were when it happened. It is so hard. But know this..

You all are in my heart. Even if I don’t know you and I hope one day you can have a beautiful baby boy or girl to love just like you deserve! None of you are alone in this! Always remember that.

I can not wait to enter my second trimester and get to the point of not having to worry every day about the possibility of miscarriage… 

It’s driving me insane…

I want to get attached to the little person in my belly, but my mind refuses to allow it until then…